aisa haal bhi hota hai.

 baahar koi hasta hai.

 andar koi rota hai.

 aye dil..dil ki duniya me.

 aisa haal bhi hota hai.

 baahar koi hasta hai.

 andar koi rota hai.

 aye dil. 

 koi pehchaana nahin.

 kisi ne yeh maana nahi.

 kisi ne yeh jaana nahi.

 kisi ko bataana nahi.

 dard chhupa hai kaha.

 aye dil..dil ki duniya me.

 aisa haal bhi hota hai.

 baahar koi hasta hai.

 andar koi rota hai.

 tu-ne..mujhse..vafaa nahin ki.

 tujhko..kaise.. vafaa milegi???

 tu-ne..mujhko..dard diya hai.

 tujhko..kaise..davaa milegi???

 seene mein uthte hai..armaan aise.

 dariya mein aate hai..toofan jaise.

 kabhi kabhi khud hi maajhi.

 kashti ko dubota hai.

 aye dil..dil ki duniya me.

 aisa haal bhi hota hai.

 baahar koi hasta hai.

 andar koi rota hai.

 kaante chunkar..tera daaman.

 phoolon se main..bhar jaaoonga.

 isse badi sazaa kya hogi.

 maaf tujhe main..kar jaaoonga.

 hogi kisi ko pehchaan kaise

 pyaar mein hote hain purbaan kaise

 humko yeh maaloom na tha

 pyaar bhi ek samjhauta hai

 aye dil..dil ki duniya me.

 aisa haal bhi hota hai.

 baahar koi hasta hai.

 andar koi rota hai.

aye dil. 

 koi pehchaana nahin.

 kisi ne yeh maana nahi.

 kisi ne yeh jaana nahi.

 kisi ko bataana nahi.

 dard chhupa hai kaha.

 aye dil..dil ki duniya me.

 aisa haal bhi hota hai.

 baahar koi hasta hai.

 andar koi rota hai.

 aye dil..dil ki duniya me.

 aisa haal bhi hota hai.

 baahar koi hasta hai.

 andar koi rota hai.

don remmbr da last time i cried... n i need tu... realy... badly...

P.S. --- getin wasted . peace!!!

no sleep.

no sleep until i am done with finding the answer.

won't stop.

won't stop before i find a cure for this cancer.

sometimes.

i feel going down and so disconnected.

somehow.

i know that i am haunted to be wanted.

i've been watching.

i've been waiting.

in the shadows all my time.

i've been searching.

i've been living.

for tomorrows all my life.

in the shadows.

in the shadows.

they say.

that i must learn to kill before i can feel safe.

but i.

i'd rather kill myself then turn into their slave.

sometimes.

i feel that i should go and play with the thunder.

somehow.

i just don't wanna stay and wait for a wonder.

i've been watching.

i've been waiting.

in the shadows all my time.

i've been searching.

i've been living.

for tomorrows all my life.

lately i've been walking. walking in circles.

watching waiting for something.

feel me..touch me..heal me..come take me higher.

i've been watching.

i've been waiting.

in the shadows all my time.

i've been searching.

i've been living.

for tomorrows all my life.

i've been watching.

i've been waiting.

i've been searching.

i've been living for tomorrows.

in the shadows.

in the shadows.

i've been waiting.

P.S. --- getin wasted. peace!!!

The place from where I was standing I could see the complete set-up. Every thing was so bollywood type. The mandap was decorated with marigolds, roses and tulips. The rice-lights were dancing too-n-fro in the most synchronic way. Every one was dressed as richly and as sparkly as they could. There was the rushing and hushing of the ghar-ke-buzurg, who were telling every detail of the traditional step which would next follow. The kids were running around and people were not being bothered or irritated by their presence but rather being cheerful about it. Aunties time and again setting their pallows or the saree pin or the gajra in their well made hair. Uncles either busy with the arrangements or sitting and talking about some serious( non-important) topic like politics or muncipalitys' inability to do some kind of non-important task. Teens busy checking out for the cute guy/gal in their own tareeka of chupe-chupe nazar. The young men cracking a not-so-decent joke or comment on some or the other aunty/uncle.

Amongst one of those groups was Abhi, he looked so different in his Jodhpuri suit. He wore one for our wedding, I remember, but I hardly got to see him then. I was too busy with the rituals and the hulla-balloo of the marriage. Even in the formal dress he was so casual in his mannerism and was evidently the heart of the group. He was a charmer. No one could escape his magical smile and the freeness with which he could make the other person feel important or special. He didn't have to make any efforts; people just fell for his charm on their own. It could be an aunty or a granny. an uncle or a kid. every one was just pulled into his ring of aura. As I was gazing at him he looked at me and stopped in the middle of what ever he was doing. Shamelessly he was staring at me and made no efforts not to be seen. All the other guys with him noticed his sudden quiet and looked in my direction and after a small pause started teasing him/me. He proudly admitted to their teasing and started walking towards to me. I stood their, eyes locked on him and just hoping that he wouldn't do any thing 'stupid' (according to the bade-buzurg around). As he came nearer all the hush-hush of the surroundings seemed to vanish and all I could listen or see was him. He was a yard away when I started to step towards him and he stretched out his hand towards me and walked me down the stairs of the stage. As we were getting down a kid sprung from no where and almost toppled me off the step, though I stumbled, I regained my balance and before I could say 'I was ok' Abhi almost cradled me in his arms. His Bua (Dad's sis) and my Chithi (Mum's sis) were the ones nearest to us and they started giggling. Teasingly my Chithi said "Dulhe miya. aapki shadi ho gai. aisa lag raha hai ki pehli baar dekh rahe ho hamari ladki ko. sambhal ke raaja!!!" and she winked at me. The blush in my cheeks was visible and I hid my face in his chest. He ruffled my hair and kissing my head he said "Pehli baar hi dekh rahan hun Chithi. saadi me tho bilkul alag dikhti hai aapki beti. Pata nahi meri Puru(my nick name, short form of Purvi) ko kahan chupa diya ye waali Puru ne." As I heard that I looked at him in a spitting but loving kind of anger and he again kissed my forehead laughingly. Then a series of compliments and aaahhh's!!! followed as I met and mingled with one and all. I knew I was looking different but I really didn't know that I would get so many compliments. I was wondering why I didn't get such compliments during my wedding when I had worn the saree. Then it striked to me that I had worn it just for the laxmi-pooja and there was hardly any one who was up that early for that ritual and accompanied me to temple that day(the pooja was at 4am). Abhi also had not seen me that day, so practically this was the first time he or any one else was seeing me in a saree. No one left a chance un-went to tease me about how I was walking(holding my saree up) but every one did compliment about how good the saree was looking on me. It was a little embarrassing but with Abhi by my side and him responding to their comments/ compliments my ordeal went easier than what it would have been.

My mum was busy near the mandap handling the rituals-to-detail. As I walked towards her she made a loud gasp and vigorously shook my Peddis arm who was chatting herself-to-glory with the pandit. "Arrreee!!! Kaun hai re??? Puru???" that was how my Peddi reacted and without loosing a single second she put the nazar-ka-teeka on my left palm using the kajal frm her eyes. Then she told my mum who was scanning me top to bottom as if I was a show piece "Nazar nikaal dena iska andar jaate hi Gulu" (that's my mums pet name. All her siblings called her Gulu.) My mum didn't say anything but I could see it in her eyes how much she liked/loved the way I looked. I felt proud as well as a little shy by the attention I was getting but made no scene of it. Thankfullly the pandit interrupted shouting "Amma. kanya ko lao. muhurath ka time nikla ja raha hai." My mum and other women started to speed up their ways to get the bride and that's when I saw him looking up at me. He didn't seem sad but he had a kind of question mark in his eyes. He smiled at me as I looked at him and he acted as if he was normal. Then a little teasingly he said "Maine bola tha na. you would look fab in saree. Isiliye bolta hun ki kabhi-kabhi doosro ki baath bhi maan liya kar. Samjhi???" I was relieved to see him normal or must I say 'act normal'. I bent over and set his sehra a little and using the tissue in my hand I wiped the sweat on his forehead. After which I pinched his cheek a little harder so that it would hurt him and told "Aaj chup rehne me hi teri bhalai hai. Samjha??? Kuch nahi kar sakta aaj. agar mai sar pe do maar ke bhi jaun na. you can do nothing. NOT EVEN A SINGLE THING. Tho samajhdari isi me hai bacha ki tu chup rahe aaj" and stuck my tongue out. With a grunt of submission as if he knows that he can do nothing he said "Maloom hai re. popat bana ke rakha hai. Subah se kuch khane ko bhi nai diya. Pehle tho bhook uske oopar ye mantr. tongue twisters are easier man!!!" I laughed but knew exactly what he was telling; if nothing I too was in his seat during my wedding. I whispered in a sort of understanding tone "Mai kuch intazaam karti hun. rukk!!! I do remember the favor you did during my shaadi. Energy bar ya kuch tho bhi chochlate-woklate le ke aati hun. theek hai???" and he shook his head as rapidly as a humming birds wings and laughed childishly.

'ABHI' --- that was the only answer. He was the only one who could get the candy to mandap and even let him eat without any controversies being raised by the old-mela. As I told him what I wanted him to do he almost jumped with excitement as if a kid would jump after receiving his favorite video game. I shhh'ed him and said "Thoda careful raho. Amma hai mandap ke paas aur tum ko tho maloom hai na. she would go berserk if the riwaaz are even shaken???" he said with the basic ease of a James bond "Do-not worry jaanu. Mai sambhaal loonga. Ummmaahhh!!!" Waving at me he left me with the chichora gang who were busy doing the pre-lunch tasting. One of my cousins pulled my choti and said "Hey moti. Abhi kahan ja-ing???" Not removing my eyes from Abhis' trail I told him "Smuggling ra. he he he" and I noticed that all of them went silent. When I looked at them they were too engrossed at how Abhi would handle the switch. Astonishingly, he gave the candy bar to pandit and made him give to the poor groom whose stomach was obviously growling. It was so sleek and politically correct that no-one. I mean no-one objected to it. We all were guessing what he must have told to the pandit. "Must be some cock-and-bull story about how weak the dulha was or something like that..." when at once all of them started hurraying and applauding. One of them shouted "Sher hai maama tu. sachi me. " He took all the attention gracefully and with his ease, then he bent to me and said "Khush ho begum??? Kaam kar diya aapka aur sab ki raza-mandi se kiya. Happy jaan???" I smiled and showed my approval by kissing him on his cheek for which there was another round of hooting added with whistles and hayyeee's. On asking what he had to tell the pandit he said "Kuch ni yaar. I gave him a 500 ka note with the candy. bas!!!" and winked and laughed loudly. My man was not only charming, cute, mesmerizing but he was intelligent too (proud to say that).

The bhajantreelu (shehnai/band-baja) screamed out in a high note which indicated the bride's arrival and our entire gaze got fixed to the stage. Anu (short-form of Ankita) was wearing a off-white pattu-saree with a big maroon border. She was looking so bride-y. The haldi-chandan baths surely put the halo and shine on her skin. Her make-up was done aptly and she was looking a perfect match for him. And that's when I 'looked' at him in particular. He was wearing a formal cream pattu-kurta and he too had that golden glow on him. As I was looking at him he too looked at me and I felt a tinge of sadness in his eyes but before I could catch that the cloth-curtain was raised just that second. I wasn't sure of what I saw and as Abhi's arm caught my waist I forgot all about it in a splash. I grabbed his hand in hurry and struggled to remove it but he forced it in its place and clutched my waist even harder. I looked at him but he was trying to act busy looking at the mandap. I gave him a long stare and he turned towards me and gave a cheeky kiss in air and tightened his hold. The twinkle in his eyes was just undeniable. I gave up the fight and closed myself to his body and resting my head on his chest stood there looking at the marriage which for sometime in the near past was just a non-happening. He pulled me even closer and kissed my head and said "I love you ra Kanna!!!" Kissing his hand I replied "I love you too ra. na Kanna!!!" It was not that I didn't know that I had every thing a woman would ever dream-of but that day, true to my heart, I believed it for the first time.

P.S. --- ths iz "PART-3" uf dire straits. wud post part-2 whn im finishd wid dat shyte. don evin think uf askin al dum queschinz like 'whrz da sekund part???" o "did ya fa-get dat sekund kumz B-fo thurd???'. dunn!!!... em telling ya. n so yu bludie betr lisen. dis iz da "THURD (FUCKIN) PART" n dayamd wel i knw dat i din post da "SEKUND (FUCKIN) PART". so dun fuckin piss mua by askin it. i'd post it wen em dun wid it. period...n evin if i dun. itz ma FUCKIN wish. kapeesh. peace!!!

the more im tryin to come out...

the more im being pulld in...

in to its deep darkness.

unknown territories.

alienish smellz.

tormenting soundz.

feels like its grabbin me from all sides...

every angle...

any side i see...

my eyes get mudded...

the slime gettin into my eyes...

blockin my vision...

it enters my nostrils...

making me gasp for air...

as i gasp...

it enters my throat...

chokin me...

as it enters my lungs...

i cough... it aches...

aches in my chest...

burns...

i feel the bile churnin in my guts...

the sores in my intestines turn red...

emitting fumes...

the smoke comes out of my mouth...

tears roll down my dirty cheeks...

sad...

sad tht im not crying...

i dont feel like crying...

still am numb...

deep down...

some where...

im still cold...

the frozen self...

under the rutt...

dark n lightless...

shiverin...

holdin my hands together...

not to pray...

but to hold my self...

to my self...

not to let any thing take me...

from me...

koz i know...

i know this for sure...

even if im az cold az the ice caps...

im together...

with me...

for me...

always...

all ways...

nothing can ever change it...

ever...

never...

no one can ever take whats mine.

live on. i will.

surely.

koz.

born survivor. that's ME!!!

P.S. --- strong az a bul. daz wat diz bitch iz al abt. da reezun behind dis shit iz. im bein testd at ma wurk place. dey r tryin 2 bul shit roun mua. itz been goin aroun fo mo dan a munth nw. aktualy i think it wud b 2 munthz in anoda kupl uf dayz. dey r tryin reeyal hard. muthr-fuckin-sunz-uv-wyte-kuntz... n itz juz dat dey wana hear "i giv up" frum me. kan ya imajin???... frum MUA???... not evin in der fuckin dreemz kan dey get me 2 tel dat. im drivin dem krazy. n itz vizibl dat dey r on da brink uf loozin deir sanity. im havin fun. fun in both wayz. bein pushd 2 da wal n turning deir livz in2 fuckin hel. dey hav been surchin nyoo wayz eech n evri day. viyardest shyte. i reeyaly em Njoin it. fuckin doze assolez frum al posibl wayz... havin time uf ma life. bein wat im alwiz gud at. da numaro uno 'BITCH'. peace!!!

step i climb...

four i slide back...

forward i push...

backward im punchd...

grabbing to the top...

under im pressed...

looking at the future...

past pulls me to it...

present jabs...

strikes a blow...

on my face...

straight...

scratching my chest...

a claw clutches my flesh...

making me realise...

efforts are vain...

trials are void...

what ever i do...

i will never erase this...

never can rub it off...

cleanse it clean...

make it un-done.

but...